Loving is complicated, tougher than expected. Easier in the beginning, more than happy you think you could possibly be in your life. You feel like you have finally met the one person who starkly understands you and you think you would do anything for the love to sustain so that it goes on forever and ever. You remember the first touch, first kiss so vividly and play it over and over in your head reminiscing the very sweet little details of the time spent together. Love is such. It is magical and beyond explicable to human mind because it can be felt in a hundred different ways, each experience differing from one to another. There is no you love me more or you love me less, that can never be because it is so fragile an emotion and comes in moments, like in immediate moments. You feel it little by little, sometimes more than usual or sometimes not at all.
if you love me
love me without any
of whether i will judge you
for your actions
or think less of you
if you do certain things.
i don't expect you to make me happy every hour
of every day,
neither am i capable
of such extraordinary action
but promise me
to be just gentle enough
to be together in the hard times
to be each others go to person
joy and disappointments
if you love me
tell me what upsets you
i'm more than willing to fix it
show me what gives you joy
i'd give my soul to elucidate the dark times
tell me what's your favourite meal
your dream place
aspirations in life
string of past lovers
your favourite movies
the childhood memories
that makes you the man you are
and every other cursored detail
i promise to listen to all of that
with real delight and interest
because for me
that is love
and when you do all of that
is when you give me all of you
and the universe will know
our love had existed
because you have watered mine
like most things in life you came to me smiling standing 6 ft tall your eyes gleaming with curiosity and sheer excitement i don’t blame you that is what new beginnings feel like it is pure in all its allure and i, i was no less vulnerable than you.
we were caught in waves waves of words touch sensuality hope and hurt slowly carving their way into our insides we may say it was our happiest of times and I may have called you my home.
but like every home is broken in some way my home, you, was nothing but shambles of memories and toxicity out of our grasp and our fragile hearts now we remain in each our lives as nothing but ambiguous thoughts.
i don’t blame us this is maybe how the endings feel like.
As I was walking down the road set towards the town park, it bewildered me at how many memories a person could hold. Life has taken me to so many places yet this was the same road where I started every possible memory of mine. Some very beautiful and some engulfing me with melancholy smile every time.
I stopped for a moment to glance at the withered flowers in the park. The memories flashed back. Early March of 2002, I remember it was a beautiful day of spring.
‘ You found yourself a girlfriend ?’ , I remember questioning mustering up all my courage. It was thing not to be enquired I guessed observing his silence. With the corner of my eye I saw him turning sideways. I could see his grimace and reckoned it wasn’t the right moment. ‘ Hey, don’t be upset. Everyone’s single these days. It’s hard to find the right person’, I cheered.
Even am single. You know why?, I said glibly.
Just then he held my fingers in his and moved closer to me. It seemed to be a total deurmekaar with his jet black enigmatic eyes set firmly on mine, though that moment it bore the pain. I could see tears welled up in it but the warmth still couldn’t be detached. He came closer and hugged me. I felt his breathe down my neck. I figured out that he needed to be comforted. I permitted my arms to held him closer to me and hugged him back. It was so easy and so pure. There was no doubt about loving him. I loved and wanted him, it was a desperate need.
‘Yeah, I do know why you are still single’, he said still hugging me. ‘Because I never proposed to you, ain’t ? ‘, he continued. Everything was blank, my thoughts, my vision and my senses. I envisaged for a while that if he just did read my mind. Next moment he was kissing my forehead.
Love with David was an innocent feeling back then. We were two very young lovers, I barely knew how it would be to accept a completely different soul and live with his ideals, passions, faults, success and failures all through my life.
I resume my walk around the park, now with a faster pace filling my mind with hopeful thoughts. Everything happens just for a moment, each moment serving its own purpose. The flower had to wither one day and let new ones bloom. When life takes away something very crucial from you, you’ve got to have enough love to embrace everyone. Silly at how many times I blamed God when the memories of David’s death engulfed my mind. I cursed God for taking him away from me so early in life while my heart waned at his every possible memory.
But every time I judged I was only hurting myself. I knew I had to let it go and let happiness bloom within me. He was a memory that would never fade and stay with me forever, for it was too beautiful to throw it away. Love with David was like that.
I look at him searching for the clues of what he must be thinking every now and then, the gleam in his eyes followed by his signature smile emanating a sense of mischief. He is the saviour of my life, giving me the sense of happiness when I was in dire need of it.
It must have been somewhere in the winter of 2012 I was told that I was getting a new baby brother. To be honest I didn’t really appreciate the news as I don’t have the ability to embrace a sudden change in any part of my life, that too a very important one. Gradually with my board examinations ahead and being left enough time for the delivery I was accepting this important little change. It was not happiness though, neither any kind of thankfulness. I dreaded the idea of this addition to the family for I was so comfortable with my other two siblings. But I guess that is life, new things come to your life when you least expect it and not every change looks good in the beginning. Now I love him more than anything else in this whole wide world and I want to give him all the happiness he deserves.